


you're all i've ever wanted

by bvnnyboo



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: But what do I know, M/M, actual relationship, pretty canon imo, real angst this time, um ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bvnnyboo/pseuds/bvnnyboo
Summary: five bleeds into six, and mo guan shan doesn't know if he has anything else left to say. he doesn't think he's said enough.





	you're all i've ever wanted

its quiet in he tian's apartment, the glass is cold against his pale skin as it rains. he can't think. its been awhile since he tian left him here. he'll be back because he always comes back home. home to a warm house and hot food. 

to him.

mo guan shan slips into the kitchen and begins to put ingredients together. he's trying to distract himself from the deafening silence. the feelings crawl up his back with the anxieties and insecurities he harbors while awaiting he tian's return. its been at least four days.

and no he isn't worried at all, he instills into himself. he can still pretend, he can.

the food bubbles and sizzles and mo guan shan sits on the counter with a black ladle in his hands. he doesn't remember the last time he slept for a full night. that argument was never supposed to reach that level. his stomach churns with uncertainty and doubt as he overturns the spoon in his hands. he's nervous because this could mean anything.

the stove light casts an orange glow on the food as mo guan shan stirs it absentmindedly. he told him he didn't care. he knows its a lie and he knows all he cares about is that asshole. he tian knows that, doesn't he? he has to.

but he can't remember the last time he told him he did. or that he loves him even after everything.

he didn't come last night. that makes five days, but mo guan shan's not counting.

he turns to the light pouring in from the window. its morning and the bed's even colder than usual. mo guan shan thinks he might cry because he can't remember the last time he spent this many mornings alone. its painful because the other side of the bed remains untouched.

its his fault, isn't it? he tian has every right to leave him like this. waiting, yearning for a last word. he's so tired.

he calls his phone again. it goes straight to voicemail and maybe now he's a little worried because he always at least answers. or lets it ring at least. something's wrong, there has to be.

mo guan shan's body lies motionless in the king-sized bed smack dab in the middle of the apartment. he feels paralyzed and is craving he tian's presence. he misses him so, so much. he's like a goddamned enigma, he tian is.

mo guan shan forces himself out of bed and gets ready for the day. he needs to get out of there. he feels like he might suffocate. its autumn and mo guan shan pulls on the black zip-up he tian gave him so long ago. it smells faintly of cigarettes and the lavender detergent he uses to wash their clothes.

he finds himself absentmindedly walking up and down the aisles of the nearby grocery store. he has flour, eggs, sugar, and milk. he thinks he's baking a cake, but he doesn't know what for. its been a long week.

the cashier is a chirpy brunette with striking blue-gray eyes and chubby fingers. he thinks she's pretty and he half-smiles at her. he tian's eyes are deeper and fiercer, like a panther's. his heart skips a beat as he walks out of the store, because he knows he's coming home to an empty apartment.

and that's what makes his eyes sting with tears. 

the air has shifted in the apartment, mo guan shan realizes as he toes off his shoes at the door. he steps into the passageway between the bedroom and the kitchen and there he is, sitting on the edge of the bed they share. 

they lock eyes with each other. he tian's gaze is burning into mo guan shan's skin and the tears he's been holding in begin to fall one after the other. mo guan shan drops the bags onto the floor and holds his arms out for he tian. he tian rises from the bed and walks in quick strides over to mo guan shan. he tian wraps his arms around his torso and squeezes him so tightly, like he'll disappear if he doesn't hold on. he tian's hands slip lower and he lifts him up from under the thighs. mo guan shan wraps his legs around his waist. 

che misses him, he missed him, he loves him. he'll probably love him forever. mo guan shan tucks his head into he tian's shoulder. he smells like the ocean. 

"i haven't seen you cry this much since middle school, red."

"you scared the shit out of me, you fuck."

he tian smiles into mo guan shan's neck as he walks him back to the bed. he's kissing and nipping at his neck, and mo guan shan feels himself melt right back into him. they'll fuck, pretend it never happened, and hope that it doesn't happen again. and it always does. it scares mo guan shan because it when it possibly happens again, and it'll be even worse than the couple of days he spent alone. 

mo guan shan's back hits the mattress with a soft thud as he tian crawls over him and kisses the spaces in between his eyes and between his mouth and nose, never quite hitting the intended mark. mo guan shan's stomach bubbles with fear because he tian's being so quiet. he can't keep pretending he didn't disappear into thin air for five days, and mo guan shan can't keep pretending he didn't say some pretty hurtful shit. he tian's hands crawl under his shirt and mo guan shan can't pretend anymore.

"he tian, wait. can we -- we need to talk."mo guan shan sputters out. he tian pulls away from mo guan shan and sits in a cross-legged manner on the bed. it confuses mo guan shan because usually he tian would whine a little and try to convince him to wait, but he doesn't. he just listens and sits back.

"we do," he tian replies, placing his hands behind him to rest on. mo guan shan pushes himself off his back and leans against the headboard. "i just assumed we'd do it afterwards, but now is fine too."

mo guan shan releases a breath and pulls his legs into himself. he doesn't know what to say and sort of regrets not gathering his thoughts together before stopping him.

"i didn't...i never wanted it to go this far. i'm sorry...i'm so sorry. i never meant to make you--" mo guan shan rambles, avoiding eye contact while wiping his eyes. he tian crawls over to him and wraps his arm around mo guan shan's shoulders.

"i'm sorry too. for disappearing for almost a week, you probably cooked a month's worth of leftovers." he tian's thumb rolls massaging circles into mo guan shan's shoulder. mo guan shan smiles and rests his head against he tian's shoulder.

"shut up, i didn't know what else to do." they laugh together and mo guan shan picks at the fraying fabric of his joggers; its been too long. "can i ask where you went?"

"you already did."

"he tian --"

"i know, baby. its just..." he tian hesitates, slowly exhaling. 

"i went home, mo guan shan."

mo guan shan lifts himself out of he tian's embrace. he's in shock because he tian said he'd never go back unless he was throwing himself back into the business. and that was the exact thing that almost ruined their relationship the first time.

"you said --"

"i know what i said. you drove me up a wall and i just didn't know where else to go and we needed space. so i went." he tian looks straight ahead at the white wall they've been delaying decorating for months. mo guan shan was unsure how to respond, he could start an argument if he didn't watch his tone. 

"...so, you went. and did you see, you know, her?" mo guan shan lightly touches he tian's arm.

"yeah."

"and?"

"she knows."

"knows?"

"everything, she told me to come back and work it out."

"oh."

"i'll take you to meet her, if you want."

"hmm."

they sit in slience again and mo guan shan's fingers curl into the knees of his pants. he's kind of speechless. he tian went to go see his mother and stayed there for five days. he wants to scream and throw a fit but at the same time, it makes him happy. he tian is trying to fix things and when he didn't know what to do, he asked for help. 

"i'm proud of you, you know." mo guan shan says after awhile, looking at he tian's face. his pale green eyes lazily scan mo guan shan's body before he looks up and releases a breath. mo guan shan sinks back into he tian and stares at the side of he tian's face. its moments like these he tian is most beautiful to him. they sit in silence, something they've both grown somehow uncomfortable but neither wanting to say the wrong thing. they're dancing on glass around each and mo guan shan hates it.

he sits up and kneels next to he tian while placing his hands on his knees awkwardly. he wants to do this and he wants to be with him. he places his hand on he tian's upper arm and he tian lolls his eyes towards mo guan shan. he feels naked and vulnerable under his intense gaze, mo guan shan shivers with anticipation.

"he tian." mo guan shan whispers, low and sultry, eyes meeting he tian's fierce green ones. his is pounding wildly in his chest with the thoughts of their bodies pressed together and the same green eyes staring him down as he works into him. he shivers again, and thinks there must be some sort of draft only he can feel.

mo guan shan slowly leans forward and places his lips on he tian's. their hot and slick with he tian's spit, but he loves it. he loves him. he tian pushes against mo guan shan, placing his hand on the back of neck to angle their heads for more accessibility to mo guan shan's body. it drives him nuts feeling himself fall right into he tian's rhythm.

he tian softly pushes mo guan shan onto his back and crawls over him, slipping his calloused fingers underneath the black jacket adorning the smaller boy's body. he tian pulls his lips away from mo guan shan's mouth and to his ear and neck. he tian's hot breaths tickle his skin and cause growing friction in his lower half. mo guan shan angles his body upward to relieve himself in some desperate attempt against he tian's muscular frame. he feels he tian smile into the skin on his neck. 

"missed me that much?" he tian whispers, in that dangerously low voice and licks a long stripe over the likely hickey he's created on mo guan shan's neck. he feels electric as he tian places his lips against his, its slow and loving and mo guan shan places his hands on he tian's pale cheeks. he's never felt more in love as he tian pulls away to look at him again. mo guan shan blushes and turns to look away from his stare. he tian gives a small smile and places his hand on mo guan shan's chin to make him look at him again.

he's memorized every edge curve of mo guan shan's body and the familiar feeling of worn hands hooking around the waistband of his pants sends him into a warm bliss. he tian is pressing soft kisses against the skin below mo guan shan's ear and it makes him blush because he can't remember the last time their foreplay was this vanilla. it's always desperate and needy like either of them would disappear at that moment.

and mo guan shan realizes he likes this better.

**Author's Note:**

> haha i started writing this at the beginning of summer. i still don't like how this turned but i'm tired of it sitting in my drafts. enjoy  
> hit my line @blogger-tears on tumblr


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